1 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,467 ["Everybody Needs A Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 2 00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:16,516 ? My words are lazy ? ? My thoughts are hazy ? 3 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,686 ? But this is one thing ? ? I'm sure of ? 4 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,398 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,984 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 6 00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:31,448 Patrick Stewart: Thank you. And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa. 7 00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:35,410 Thank you, Bernie Kopell! Thank you to... 8 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,037 -Hey, what's the most fucked-up 9 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,747 host-musical guest combo you can think of? 10 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,583 -Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross. 11 00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:42,709 -Oh. That's good. 12 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,544 Joan Didion and Whitesnake. 13 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,421 -David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan. 14 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,465 -Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s. 15 00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:50,091 -Ted Kennedy and the Dead Kennedys. 16 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:51,301 -[chuckles] That's the one. 17 00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,761 -That's good. Right? -Yeah. 18 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,972 -Another Saturday night alone in my room. 19 00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:58,099 Why won't you call me? 20 00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,267 [chuckling] 21 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:02,354 I'm so lonely, and I want you so bad. 22 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:06,941 1-900-1HOT-BUTT. 23 00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:09,319 Only $3.99 per minute. 24 00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:11,446 -Oh, man, she's so hot. 25 00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:13,448 I wish we could call one of those numbers. 26 00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:15,992 -You want to? -What, are you kidding? 27 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,328 My dad would kill us if we called a 900 number. 28 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,747 -Hey, wait a second. Maybe there's an 800 version. 29 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,665 You know, where it's free. Try 1-800. 30 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:23,792 -Okay. 31 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,711 [keypad beeping] 32 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:29,130 [line ringing] 33 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,257 man: American Airlines, how may I help you? 34 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:34,302 -Aw. Wait, are you horny? 35 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:37,305 man: Uh, I don't know. A little, I guess. 36 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:38,598 -Oh. 37 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,100 -You might have better luck calling United. 38 00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,935 I think they're pretty horny over there. 39 00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:43,770 -Okay. Thank you. 40 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,647 -No problem. Stay hard, man. 41 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:46,815 -Yeah. You too. 42 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:48,650 ? It's showtime ? 43 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,194 ? At the Apollo ? 44 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:54,280 -Oh, a white guy doing stand-up. This should go well. 45 00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:57,033 [bright music playing] 46 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,119 [school bell ringing] 47 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,037 -Ah, fuck. Third period. 48 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,539 I fuckin' hate gym class. 49 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,291 I'm always worried my dick's gonna fall out of my shorts, 50 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,459 and then it never does. 51 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,794 And that doesn't feel good either. 52 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,129 -How do you think I feel? 53 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,297 Hey, why don't we go smoke in the supply closet? 54 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:14,175 [students chattering] 55 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,513 -Huh. -What the hell? 56 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,807 -Oh, yeah. It's because the janitor hung himself 57 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:21,808 in there last week. 58 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,643 -Oh, yeah. 59 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,478 It's weird. He was so happy when he told us 60 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,814 he had 25 grand riding on the Pats game. 61 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,149 -Hey, what about the basement? 62 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:30,817 Anybody kill themselves down there? 63 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:31,776 -Not that I know of. 64 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:35,196 [???] 65 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:42,787 Hey, look at that. 66 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,248 -What? Ted: There's a phone. 67 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,751 -Just a random phone down here in the basement? 68 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:48,710 -Yeah. 69 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,045 [gasps] Johnny. 70 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,714 both [in unison]: 1-900-HOT-BUTT. 71 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,717 [dial tone] 72 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,677 -There's a dial tone. -[gasps] 73 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,596 [keypad beeping] 74 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,641 [line ringing] 75 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,855 female voice: Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT. 76 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,858 Please stand by for sexy phone fun. 77 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,111 There are two masturbators ahead of you. 78 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,529 -Holy shit. -Holy fuck. Holy fuck. 79 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:17,614 -Holy shit, Teddy. -Holy fuck. Holy fuck 80 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,741 woman [on phone]: Hi. Who's this? 81 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,285 -John. -Don't use your real name. 82 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,620 -Uh, Jon. No "H." 83 00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:26,289 -Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna. 84 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,791 -Uh, hey, Shauna. 85 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:29,876 Are you the girl from the commercial? 86 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,002 Shauna: That depends. 87 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:34,714 Was she a naughty brunette with huge tits? 88 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:37,217 -No, she was a blonde with more like B cups. 89 00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,551 Shauna: Yeah. That's me. 90 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,720 Tell me, what would you do to me 91 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:43,223 if you were here right now? 92 00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,225 -Y-You mean, like, sex-wise? 93 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,228 Shauna: Oh, we can do anything you want, baby. 94 00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:51,231 -Okay, well, I touch your boob. 95 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:53,066 Shauna [moaning]: Oh, my God. 96 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,235 -A-And then, and then I touch the other one. 97 00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:57,946 Shauna [screaming]: Oh, God! Slow down. 98 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,406 -Teddy, cut it out. You're hurting her. 99 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:00,573 -Oh, shit. Is it too much? 100 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,075 I'm just trying to have fun. 101 00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,744 Shauna, teach us how to be good lovers. 102 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:05,829 [Shauna screams] 103 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,831 ["Call Me" by Blondie playing] 104 00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,290 [inaudible] 105 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:24,139 ? Color me your color, baby ? 106 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974 ? Color me your car ? 107 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,350 [inaudible] 108 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,645 ? Color me ? ? Your color, darling ? 109 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:33,857 ? I know who you are ? 110 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,861 ? Come up off ? ? Your color chart ? 111 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:40,488 ? I know where ? ? You're coming from ? 112 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,282 -? Call me ? -? Call me ? 113 00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:43,700 ? On the line ? 114 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:47,620 ? Call me, call me ? ? Any, anytime ? 115 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,164 -? Call me ? -? Call me ? 116 00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,457 ? I'll arrive ? 117 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,125 ? You can call me ? 118 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,210 ? Any day or night ? 119 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,295 ? Call me ? 120 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,172 [???] 121 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,677 ? Call me ? 122 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,721 [owl hooting] 123 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:05,930 -Hey, Teddy. 124 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,640 Hot butt. 125 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,059 -[laughing] -[chuckling] 126 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,144 -Hey. Hot buttered butt. 127 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,854 -Oh. That's good. 128 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,147 -We know. -You're crazy. 129 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:17,233 -You boys sure have been in a good mood lately. 130 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,235 -Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah. 131 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,154 -Hey, do you know if Becky called today? 132 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,322 -Who's Becky? 133 00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,324 -Well, I've started tutoring kids 134 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,409 for some extra money, and she's one of my students. 135 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,911 She's nervous about her English test, 136 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:29,162 so I said she could call me. 137 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:32,165 -Matty, she is the most adorable little girl. 138 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,167 -Told you I don't want to know about any new people. 139 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,794 -[telephone ringing] -Oh, there she is. 140 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,383 Hello. 141 00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:44,636 What do you want? [sighs] 142 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,555 [giggles] You're fuckin' kidding me, right? 143 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,057 No. 144 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,893 Uh, did you hear me? I said no. 145 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,895 I don't know, do you want me to list 146 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,980 the, uh, ten billion fuckin' reasons why? 147 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,233 No. Go fuck yourself. 148 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,193 [receiver slams] 149 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,319 -Was that Becky? 150 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:02,946 -Uh, no. 151 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,574 No, th-that was my dad. 152 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,910 -Bernie? What did he want? 153 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,453 -He wants to come visit. 154 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,956 -Bernie's coming here? Holy shit! 155 00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:15,041 That's great. It's about fuckin' time. 156 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,711 -No, no, I have told him over and over again 157 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:19,546 that I don't want to see him. Ever. 158 00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,381 -You're talking about your own goddamn father. 159 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,383 -H-He said he wants to make things right 160 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,551 between the two of us. 161 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,052 I'm not fuckin' interested, okay? 162 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,220 -I don't want him here. Matty: Whoa. 163 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,055 Whoa, whoa. Hey. 164 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,224 Bernie can visit here whenever he wants, all right? 165 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,643 This is my house, and he's my big brother. 166 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:36,271 -Yeah? Well, he's my dad, and he's a raging asshole. 167 00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:38,773 I'd appreciate if you just stayed out of this. 168 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,401 -Fuck that. You know what? I'm calling him, 169 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:42,610 and I'm telling him he can come here 170 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,404 and he can stay as long as he wants. 171 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,822 -No, Matty, wait. Please don't do this. 172 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,324 -My own brother is not gonna be unwelcome in my home. 173 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,952 -[dial tone] -[keypad beeping] 174 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:52,454 -You really hate him that much? 175 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,373 -If he steps foot in this house, I'm fuckin' out of here. 176 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,629 -I can't wait to hear Shauna's take on all this. 177 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,506 [???] 178 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,592 [students chattering] 179 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,677 [line ringing] 180 00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:11,097 -Hi, this is Candy. Who's this? 181 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,851 -Oh, uh, hi, Candy. We normally talk to Shauna. 182 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,811 Candy: Shauna's not on call today. 183 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,521 And not because of AIDS. 184 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:21,608 -Oh, okay. We didn't ask. 185 00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,610 Candy: Legally, you're not allowed to. 186 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:26,613 Anyway, it's just me, Candy. 187 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,990 You know, like, sweet and sticky. 188 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,451 -Well, gosh, Candy, you sound great, 189 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:34,120 but we've spent a lot of time talking to Shauna. 190 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,122 There's a certain intimacy that develops, 191 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,665 and I'm concerned you won't be able to keep up 192 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,084 with the rapport we've built. 193 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,960 Candy: You want me to talk about blowing ya? 194 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,212 -Okay. You're up to speed. 195 00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,421 Candy: So, what's your fantasy? 196 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,299 -I'm the hottest record producer in the business, 197 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:47,801 and you're a total nobody. 198 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,386 What are you gonna do for me? 199 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,346 -Jesus. -What? 200 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:52,806 -That's fuckin' dark. 201 00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,140 -Well, how would you do it? 202 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,142 -Hi. I'm a struggling record producer, 203 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,686 and I need your talents on my label. 204 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,145 We're artists first, 205 00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,022 and you will own your own publishing rights. 206 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,400 Candy: Okay. And then I take my clothes off. 207 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,818 -Keep 'em on, honey. I don't want nothin' 208 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,069 to get in the way of my business. 209 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,821 Which is making hit records. Candy: Uh-- 210 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,823 -You know who else I discovered through phone sex? 211 00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:10,657 Huey Lewis. 212 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:11,908 He was just like you, 213 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,827 suckin', fuckin', doing it all for a dime. 214 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,078 That's what Power of Love is about. 215 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,663 Like that. 216 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:17,747 -I think I lost my boner. 217 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,499 -Good. We got songs to write. 218 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,544 [???] 219 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:26,631 -Who, or rather what, was the Ice Man? 220 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,341 Most people assumed it was just... 221 00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:30,301 -[knocking on door] -[footsteps clomping] 222 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,513 Stack: An entertaining illusion created by a master showman. 223 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,223 [birds chirping] 224 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,225 -Hey, fuckface! -Hey! 225 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,352 -I brought you Coors! On tap! 226 00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,271 -Ah! Bernie, you son of a bitch! 227 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,605 -I got you. -You got me good. 228 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:44,357 Bernie: Come on, give me a hug, you prick. 229 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:45,900 -Yeah. Careful. Ow! 230 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,360 -Hug me for real, you rotten bastard. 231 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,029 Listen, don't act like you don't know me. 232 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,113 -I know you. 233 00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,781 -I love you, you cum guzzler. 234 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,576 Why don't you go guzzle some fuckin' cum, you big queer? 235 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,286 -It's fun to have company. 236 00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,704 -Bernie. 237 00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,414 Hi! 238 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:02,542 I blew up an air mattress for you in the attic, 239 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,961 and I put an Andes candy on your pillow. 240 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,630 -Oh, yeah. Is that how Matty freshens his breath 241 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,798 after chugging spunk? 242 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,216 -Ah! -[laughing] 243 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,719 -Wow. It's like having Bob Newhart in the house. 244 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,637 -Susie, why do you stay with this fuckin' nut hair? 245 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:15,764 -I love this guy. 246 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,724 -I thought Denise was coming with you. 247 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:21,561 -Eh, we got in a fight on 128, so she jumped out of the car. 248 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,481 -Oh. -But speaking of Bennett broads, 249 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,399 there is my princess. 250 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,442 Hiya, Blaire. 251 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,235 -Nope, nope, nope. I'm out. 252 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,571 -Blaire, that's your father. Say a proper hello. 253 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,323 -Seriously, Matty, stay out of this. 254 00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,658 -Blaire's right. I deserve the cold shoulder. 255 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,243 I gotta earn my daughter's respect. 256 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,245 That's why I'm here. There you go, Johnny. 257 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,081 You're old enough now. -Gee, thanks. 258 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,665 Susie: Johnny, absolutely not. 259 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,167 That'll stunt your growth. 260 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,960 That is what happened to the little man 261 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,253 on the Fantasy Islands. 262 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,922 -Hi, Bernie. Ted. 263 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,257 I remember you from when you shot all those cats. 264 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,094 -Hey, that was Christmas Eve. I get to do what I want. 265 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:55,553 Right, Matty? -Ow! 266 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,681 Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie. 267 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,599 -Me? You're the one who's hitting your balls, Matty. 268 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:02,185 -I'm not. Don't-- [groaning in pain] 269 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,687 [both grunt] 270 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,438 -Stop hitting your balls! -[Matty continues screaming] 271 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,190 Stop hitting your balls, Matty! 272 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,359 [laughing] 273 00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:12,529 -I will be in my room screaming into a pillow. 274 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:13,530 -Okay. 275 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,823 [pants] 276 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,659 -Ah, fuck, I took a shit. 277 00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,329 [???] 278 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:26,001 -So who do you like better, Candy or Shauna? 279 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,836 -I think I like Shauna better. 280 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,963 Candy's coughing fits kinda take me out of it. 281 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:32,173 -Yeah. You know, I'm actually a little worried about her. 282 00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,383 -I know. 283 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,552 Also, I hope Heather's son found a kidney. 284 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,970 -Well, she said they did, but then it fell 285 00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,138 out of the helicopter. 286 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,973 -Thank God we make these women cum so much. 287 00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,307 Otherwise, they'd be miserable. 288 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,351 -[dial tone] -[keypad beeping] 289 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,733 -[line ringing] -[beeping] 290 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,693 automated voice: The number you have dialed is blocked. 291 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,821 [suspenseful music playing] 292 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,115 [students chattering] 293 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,702 -What do you think it means? 294 00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:02,328 -I don't know. 295 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,705 -Johnny, what if-- 296 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,999 What if the school found out about the sex line 297 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,001 and they blocked the number, and now we're in trouble? 298 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:11,087 -Look, let's not get crazy, okay? It's probably nothing. 299 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:16,426 -Everyone, quiet down and listen up. 300 00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,345 It has been brought to my attention 301 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,763 that someone at this school 302 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:23,183 has made a series of extremely inappropriate calls 303 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:24,559 to an adult phone line. 304 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,103 They used a telephone on school property, 305 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:31,024 and we have received a bill for nearly $5,000. 306 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,234 [students gasping, laughing] 307 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:34,903 -Quiet! -[laughter stops] 308 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,113 This is a serious 309 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,908 and obscene violation of school policy, 310 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,744 and I can promise you that whoever did it 311 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:43,870 will be caught, 312 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,081 held financially responsible, 313 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,707 and expelled. 314 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:50,251 We are conducting a full investigation 315 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,004 led by the Massachusetts Board of Education. 316 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,131 Mr. Lawrence. 317 00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,676 [sighs] 318 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:02,806 [clicks tongue] 319 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,934 -My name is Avery Lawrence. 320 00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,646 I'm the Board of Education's deputy inspector general. 321 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,399 Whoever made these calls, 322 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,942 it'll be much easier for you 323 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,819 if you come forward now. 324 00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,785 All right. We'll do it the hard way. 325 00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,829 But know this. 326 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,832 Statistically, most masturbators are caught 327 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,291 within the first 48 hours. 328 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,592 [???] 329 00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,095 -Teddy, what the fuck are we gonna do? 330 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,596 Our lives are gonna be ruined. 331 00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,432 -Look, we just gotta stay cool, okay? 332 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,641 They got no idea it was us. 333 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:47,642 And if we just wait it out, 334 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:48,977 they got to give up eventually. 335 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:51,104 -Oh, my God, did you guys hear what happened? 336 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,605 -What? -Principal Bernard says 337 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:53,940 they're canceling Senior Skip Day 338 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,442 until they catch the masturbator. 339 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,861 -Oh, my God. Cameron: Who did it? 340 00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,864 Who's the jackoff who called the phone sex line? 341 00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,616 Listen up, you motherfucker! 342 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:06,453 We waited four years to skip a day of school 343 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,579 in a manner sanctioned 344 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,497 by the Massachusetts Board of Education 345 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,458 and scheduled into the academic curriculum. 346 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,753 And one of you little perverts fucked it all up. 347 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,839 Who was it? Who made the calls? 348 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,674 Show your fucking face! 349 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,134 -You can't hide from us! 350 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,844 -We're gonna find you, masturbator! 351 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,471 And when we do, you're dead. 352 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,473 -Kill the masturbator! 353 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,558 [group] Kill the masturbator! 354 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,643 [students] Kill the masturbator! 355 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,520 Kill the masturbator! 356 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,689 Kill the masturbator! 357 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,067 Kill the masturbator! 358 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,902 [all yelling] 359 00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,613 [dramatic music playing] 360 00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,996 [birds chirping] 361 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:53,833 -I just don't understand what Lyle Lovett sees 362 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,252 in that Julia Roberts. 363 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,339 He could have any woman alive. -What? 364 00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,050 -Oh, he needs to settle down and not get caught up 365 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,260 in that Hollywood rat race. 366 00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:07,222 -Hey, hey, what's this? 367 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:10,183 A meeting of the best-looking people in the house. 368 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,726 I should fit right in! 369 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,769 [laughs] 370 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:16,022 -Oh, Bernie, you're so funny. 371 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,858 I still think you should get a ventriloquist dummy. 372 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,527 Oh, you'd be so funny with it. 373 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,363 -Hey, hey, you mind if me and Blaire talk 374 00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,572 in private for a minute? 375 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:27,784 -Oh, of course, of course. 376 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:31,538 I need to go and cube some fruit for tonight's Jell-O. 377 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,081 We're having green. 378 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:34,916 -No, no. No, no, no. Aunt Suse, you stay. 379 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,752 Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of her. 380 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:43,091 Okay. [chuckles] Fine. 381 00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,973 Your mother didn't jump out of the car on the highway. 382 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,435 She left me... 383 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:57,063 over a bunch of shit that was not even my fault. 384 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,648 Blaire: I don't care what the reason was. 385 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,567 You are a belligerent, untreated alcoholic 386 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,068 who needs help. 387 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,486 And until you get some, 388 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:06,239 you and I have nothing to say to each other. 389 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,991 -Blaire, this time is different. 390 00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:09,951 You come home with me, 391 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,077 and I'll prove it to you. 392 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,246 -Come home? Bernie: Yeah. 393 00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,248 I want you to come back and live with me, Blaire. 394 00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,667 -You mean come back and cook your fuckin' meals for you? 395 00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,210 -Okay. Okay. 396 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,629 Okay. 397 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,673 I can see I still gotta win you over, 398 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:25,675 but I will. 399 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:28,178 You'll see. 400 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,766 -Oh, Blaire. 401 00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,685 Maybe you should give him a second chance. 402 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,271 According to People magazine, 403 00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:41,274 Jerry Seinfeld made up with his daughter. 404 00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:43,151 Oh, my. 405 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,778 [???] 406 00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:46,821 [students chattering] 407 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,492 [door opens] 408 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,620 -Andrew. Polly. What happened in there? 409 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,122 -Mr. Lawrence is interrogating students in pairs 410 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,667 because he thinks there was a team of masturbators. 411 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,043 -Wait, he-- he does? 412 00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,544 -He said from the angle of the jizz, 413 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,338 there had to be a second shooter. 414 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,506 -I don't even jizz. 415 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,718 -Bear. Boy. 416 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,512 You're next. 417 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,139 Hey. 418 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,516 One at a time. 419 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,143 [lighter clinks, flint strikes] 420 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,478 Tuesday, 421 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,146 September 20th, 422 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:22,482 10:06 to 10:27 a.m., 423 00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:23,358 where were you? 424 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,526 -Study hall. 425 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,860 -Mm. 426 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:31,032 I see. Unstructured time. 427 00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,493 Teacher doesn't usually notice if you're not there. 428 00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:36,996 Good chance to sneak off for a cigarette. 429 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,374 You know? A hot butt? 430 00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,585 Do you like a hot butt, John? 431 00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:46,464 You jealous, seeing me enjoy this hot butt? 432 00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:50,844 Do you wish you had access to a hot butt like mine? 433 00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:53,680 -Should there be another grown-up in here? 434 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:54,723 -Your friend in the other room 435 00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:55,765 already fingered you for the crime. 436 00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,559 So you can stop jerking me around. 437 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,228 If you come clean, I'll help get you off. 438 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,897 -I-- I can't tell if you're deliberately saying stuff 439 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,233 that's masturbation-adjacent or, um-- 440 00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:08,361 -If you know who did this and you give us names, 441 00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:11,197 the Board of Education will make it worth your while. 442 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,365 -Like what? 443 00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,576 -With things you've never dreamed of. 444 00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,370 Like this pencil 445 00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,581 with an eraser shaped like a star. 446 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,250 Read what it says on the side of the pencil. 447 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,546 -It says "star student." 448 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,257 -Star student. 449 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,217 We've ordered recordings of the calls. 450 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,719 When they arrive, 451 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:34,637 we'll play them over the school's PA system. 452 00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,723 Unless you confess now. 453 00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:37,932 -You can't do that, Mr. Lawrence. 454 00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,017 -The hell I can't. 455 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,144 -Oh, no. No, like, you really can't. 456 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,562 The PA system's busted. 457 00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:44,272 Everything in this school is broken. 458 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,901 -And yet some bastard decides to stick the school 459 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:52,030 with a phone bill for $5,000! 460 00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,491 Who cares if everything is broken? 461 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,702 Who cares if this chair is broken? 462 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:03,708 Who cares if the whole goddamn system is broken? 463 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,295 [sighs deeply] 464 00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:11,675 Can you not tell anybody I did that? 465 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,635 I'm not supposed to break any more chairs. 466 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:14,969 -Okay. 467 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,264 -Can you help me put it back together? 468 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,642 -[crickets chirping] -[dog barking in distance] 469 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,020 -Uh, for the love of Christ, Susan, 470 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,939 hurry up with that sitz bath, huh? 471 00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,607 Feels like somebody microwaved a hairbrush 472 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,025 and shoved it in my asshole. 473 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:32,529 -Dr. Larson warned you not to push so hard. 474 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,322 -Oh. [sighs] 475 00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:36,616 -Bath time! [laughs] 476 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,284 I got you again, motherfucker! 477 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,327 Matty [screams]: Holy shit! 478 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:40,704 [laughs sarcastically] You prick! 479 00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,497 [laughing] 480 00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,792 God, you're dead! I'm gonna get you for that! 481 00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,377 Bernie, come back here! 482 00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:49,337 I'm gonna get you for that! [groans] 483 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,298 -[groans] -[Bernie laughs] 484 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,634 -Look at my little brother with his ass out! 485 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,219 You look like Winnie-the-Pooh! 486 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,179 Where's Ted? Hey, Ted! 487 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,806 It's your boyfriend, Winnie-the-Pooh, 488 00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:01,391 ready for you to fuck him in the ass! 489 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:02,851 -I'm totally gonna get you for that! 490 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,978 [both scream] 491 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,688 You motherfucker! Put me down! 492 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,189 Bernie: Fuck you, you fat fuck! -Ow! 493 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,566 [all scream] 494 00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:11,651 -What the fuck is going on in here? 495 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,987 -Hey, Blaire, you wanna buy a sack of ass? 496 00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,155 Matty: Put me down, Bernie. Bernie: What? 497 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,906 Susan wanted me to get a puppet. Huh? 498 00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,659 I'm Sammy Davis Jr. I only got one brown eye. 499 00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,494 -Jesus Christ, Dad, put him down. 500 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:22,746 -What? We're just roughhousing. 501 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,706 -No. You're roughhousing. He's not. 502 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,166 You're being a fuckin' bully. 503 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,542 -Uh, Matty, am I bullying you? 504 00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,544 -No. We're just messing around, Blaire. 505 00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:30,879 -Put him the fuck down. 506 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,172 -Whoa! Language. 507 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,840 All right. Fine. 508 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,508 Jeez! -Oh, okay. [chuckles] 509 00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:38,261 I-I really-- I really do gotta do that hemorrhoid bath. 510 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:41,181 -[laughs] All right, go fix your goofy bum, Candyman. 511 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:42,349 [Bernie and Matty laugh] 512 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,225 -For Christ's sake, go wash your hands. 513 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,852 -Why? He's my brother! 514 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,562 -Yeah, I'm his brother. 515 00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,607 [???] 516 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,861 -Lawrence knows it's us, I'm sure of it. 517 00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:58,114 -We can't pay back $5,000. What are we gonna do? 518 00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,908 -Go to prison, that's what. 519 00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:02,452 Holy shit. We're gonna get Shawshanked. 520 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:04,954 -We gotta find a way outta here 521 00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:07,248 or the warden's gonna have us shot in the prison yard. 522 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,626 -Don't worry, Johnny, I've been digging a hole in the wall 523 00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:10,877 for the past six months. 524 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,420 We can escape through it. 525 00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:15,298 -What the fuck? 526 00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:16,591 -Yeah. Now we can get outta here. 527 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,885 -You said you dug that for us? -Yeah. 528 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,053 -I can't fit through there. 529 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,554 You-- You made that for you. 530 00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:22,722 -No, it's for both of us. 531 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,724 -It's literally shaped exactly like you. 532 00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:27,268 -Ah, no, it's not. -It's got fuckin' ears. 533 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:32,065 -All right, boys, you're coming with me. 534 00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:34,442 The sisters are gonna have their way with you. 535 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:37,278 -See ya. 536 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:39,781 -Wait a minute. That's it. 537 00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:42,242 -What? -We do a Shawshank. 538 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:45,787 -How will being sodomized off-camera solve our problem? 539 00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:48,081 -No, no, we do what Andy Dufresne did. 540 00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:49,916 We invent a fake person. 541 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:52,794 -[gasps] A fake student who confesses to the crime. 542 00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:54,754 -Exactly. -That's the answer. 543 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,089 But it's gonna take some planning. 544 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,257 We better get some sleep. 545 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,299 -Right. 546 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:03,513 Hey, Teddy. We're in this together, right? 547 00:21:03,555 --> 00:21:05,265 I mean, you'd never really sell me out. 548 00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,142 -No, never, Johnny. 549 00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,529 [students chattering] 550 00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,823 [???] 551 00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:23,658 We know the name of the masturbator. 552 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,994 His name is Jeremy Schwarzfinger. 553 00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:28,830 -And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger? 554 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:30,165 -[scoffs] Only the worst kid 555 00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,083 who's ever gone to John Hancock High. 556 00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:33,168 -Three years ago, 557 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,670 Jeremy vandalized the entire school. 558 00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:37,964 You see? Look at this desk. 559 00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,220 [sniffs] 560 00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,516 -You said Jeremy did this three years ago. 561 00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:49,392 -That's right. 562 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:51,686 -This is a fresh carving. 563 00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:53,438 -H-- How can you tell? 564 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,732 -Because it's in the shape of the Sublime logo. 565 00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,609 And no one in Framingham 566 00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,528 was listening to Sublime before 1992, 567 00:22:00,570 --> 00:22:03,573 when their debut studio album, 40oz. to Freedom, 568 00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,075 rocked the charts. 569 00:22:05,116 --> 00:22:06,618 Do you know what I think? 570 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:09,120 I think you two carved this 571 00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:11,414 moments before I walked in here 572 00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:14,125 with the knife that's in your back pocket. 573 00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:18,254 You boys feel that sensation in your throats? 574 00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:22,425 That's the noose tightening. 575 00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,094 [tense music playing] 576 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,265 -Why'd you have to go with the fuckin' Sublime logo? 577 00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:31,434 -I don't know, I just thought maybe Jeremy likes Sublime. 578 00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:33,395 -What, do you got a backstory for this fuckin' kid? 579 00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,605 -No, no, I'm just-- Hold on a second, Teddy. 580 00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:37,107 You might be onto something here. 581 00:22:37,148 --> 00:22:40,235 -What? -We give Jeremy a backstory. 582 00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:42,112 A school file on paper. 583 00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:45,448 We make it so detailed that it becomes undeniable. 584 00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:47,659 I don't wanna just know this guy's name. 585 00:22:47,701 --> 00:22:49,786 I wanna know what he jizzed for breakfast. 586 00:22:49,828 --> 00:22:51,746 -Jizzed for breakfast? 587 00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:52,580 -You know what I mean. 588 00:22:52,622 --> 00:22:54,416 -No, I don't. 589 00:22:54,457 --> 00:22:57,085 And I don't think I wanna be your friend anymore. 590 00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,212 [birds chirping] 591 00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:02,799 -Okay. What? 592 00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:04,259 -Guess what this is. 593 00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:06,136 -Um, the crate of Wild Turkey 594 00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,637 you're gonna drink before bed tonight? 595 00:23:07,679 --> 00:23:09,139 -Even better. 596 00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:13,101 What do you think? 597 00:23:13,143 --> 00:23:14,644 -What the fuck is it? 598 00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:15,979 -It's a dollhouse. 599 00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,106 You always wanted one when you were a kid. 600 00:23:18,148 --> 00:23:19,649 So I stayed up all night building it. 601 00:23:19,691 --> 00:23:22,318 -Oh, thanks. I've always wanted tetanus. 602 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:23,945 [sighs] 603 00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:26,531 -Fine. I'm the bad guy. 604 00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:29,325 No matter what I do, it's not good enough. 605 00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:31,494 And I-- And I should never, ever be forgiven. 606 00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:33,038 -Okay, all right. All right. 607 00:23:33,705 --> 00:23:35,165 It's a nice gesture. 608 00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:38,376 Thank you. Bernie: Now we're talking. 609 00:23:38,418 --> 00:23:39,878 Come home with me. 610 00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:41,880 If you do, I know your mother will too. 611 00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:43,840 -Wait. 612 00:23:43,882 --> 00:23:45,675 That's what this is all about? 613 00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:47,218 Getting Mom back? 614 00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:48,303 -Yeah! 615 00:23:48,345 --> 00:23:50,180 Because then we'll be a family again. 616 00:23:50,221 --> 00:23:52,891 And that's all I want, Blaire, I swear to God. 617 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,225 [sighs] 618 00:23:56,227 --> 00:23:58,938 -I'll think about it. On one condition. 619 00:23:59,439 --> 00:24:02,984 -Anything. -Just go easier on Matty. 620 00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:05,070 All right? I don't like the way you treat him. 621 00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:07,572 And I never wanna see his asshole again. 622 00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:10,867 -I will be more respectful to my little brother. 623 00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:12,202 -Thank you. 624 00:24:14,204 --> 00:24:16,748 [suspenseful music playing] 625 00:24:25,090 --> 00:24:28,093 [???] 626 00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:40,021 -[objects clattering] -[footsteps approaching] 627 00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:41,106 -Oh, shit! 628 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:43,900 [suspenseful music continues] 629 00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:07,632 -[both gasp] -What are you doing down there? 630 00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:08,800 -Uh, we just-- -Oh, no, no, no, no. 631 00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,343 -[overlapping chatter] -Mr. Lawrence, 632 00:25:10,385 --> 00:25:11,553 I don't think I've ever done anything in my life, actually. 633 00:25:11,594 --> 00:25:12,554 -Nothing. We were just messing around, is all. 634 00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:14,931 -Speak. -We found Jeremy's file. 635 00:25:14,973 --> 00:25:17,308 The really bad kid who definitely exists. 636 00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:18,727 -All the details about him are right here. 637 00:25:18,768 --> 00:25:21,312 He even has a full mustache as a teenager. 638 00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:22,731 He's that bad. Look. 639 00:25:22,772 --> 00:25:24,107 -I don't need to look 640 00:25:24,149 --> 00:25:26,234 because I don't believe there is a Jeremy. 641 00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:29,863 I believe the two of you made the sex calls. 642 00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,575 Do you know what this is? 643 00:25:33,616 --> 00:25:34,659 -Is that one of those things they put 644 00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:36,119 pizzas in the oven with? 645 00:25:36,161 --> 00:25:37,620 -It's a masturbator paddle. 646 00:25:37,662 --> 00:25:39,831 -Ew! And that's what they're putting the pizzas in with? 647 00:25:39,873 --> 00:25:41,166 -It was used to beat sinners 648 00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:43,752 at the Holy Child Catholic School in Newburyport. 649 00:25:43,793 --> 00:25:47,422 And when I prove the two of you made the calls, 650 00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:50,884 you both will know the pain of the paddle. 651 00:25:51,843 --> 00:25:53,428 I'm watching you. 652 00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:55,805 [tense music playing] 653 00:26:04,189 --> 00:26:05,857 We'll get them, Beatrice. 654 00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:10,070 We'll get them. 655 00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:12,947 -What the fuck do we do now? He's gonna get us. 656 00:26:12,989 --> 00:26:15,700 -We gotta make Jeremy real. -How? 657 00:26:15,742 --> 00:26:18,536 -Everybody at school's gotta see him with their own eyes. 658 00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:21,206 I got an idea. 659 00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:28,129 -Susan, the casserole is exquisite. 660 00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:29,381 -Thank you, Bernie. 661 00:26:29,422 --> 00:26:31,341 -Well, I'm gonna raise my glass 662 00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:33,385 'cause Blaire and me got a big announcement. 663 00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:34,636 -We do? 664 00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:36,471 -Blaire's moving back home! 665 00:26:36,513 --> 00:26:40,517 [overlapping chatter] 666 00:26:40,558 --> 00:26:42,894 [chatter continues] -...I'm gonna be pissed. 667 00:26:42,936 --> 00:26:45,313 -It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, in that order. Oh. 668 00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:47,148 -Okay. Hold on, hold on. 669 00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:49,567 I have not made any decision yet. 670 00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,528 I'm considering moving back home, 671 00:26:51,569 --> 00:26:53,488 but I've not decided a thing. 672 00:26:53,530 --> 00:26:55,323 -Come on. You know you're in. 673 00:26:55,365 --> 00:26:57,158 And, hey, you better watch out, Matty. 674 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,993 I might take Susan home with me too. 675 00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:00,912 -[mouths] Oh! -Ha! Ah, come on. 676 00:27:00,954 --> 00:27:03,581 -Be honest, Susan. You were into me first. 677 00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:05,875 -Oh. Bernie, stop. 678 00:27:05,917 --> 00:27:08,253 -Bernie, just keep it to yourself, huh? 679 00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:10,046 -Well, it's true. You know, Johnny, 680 00:27:10,088 --> 00:27:12,549 another ten minutes behind that AandP with Susan, 681 00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:13,717 I might have been your father. 682 00:27:13,758 --> 00:27:15,176 Blaire: Hey! Hey! Matty: Bernie. 683 00:27:15,218 --> 00:27:17,345 -Apologize to her. -Huh? 684 00:27:17,387 --> 00:27:18,346 -You fuckin' heard me. 685 00:27:18,388 --> 00:27:20,098 Apologize to Susan right now. 686 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:21,683 And then apologize to Matty 687 00:27:21,725 --> 00:27:23,601 for every single fuckin' thing you've done since you got here. 688 00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:24,519 -Hey. Whoa, whoa. 689 00:27:24,561 --> 00:27:25,603 Bernie: We're brothers, Blaire. 690 00:27:25,645 --> 00:27:27,022 We give each other the business. 691 00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:28,606 -That's not what this is. 692 00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:31,192 It's completely one-sided, and you're a fuckin' bully. 693 00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:32,193 -Blaire, come on. 694 00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:33,611 -Jesus Christ! 695 00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:35,071 We're just trying to have a few laughs. 696 00:27:35,113 --> 00:27:37,198 -Okay. You don't wanna apologize? 697 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,867 Then get out. -Blaire, knock it off. 698 00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:40,410 He-- He's just messing around. Bernie: Yeah. 699 00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:42,787 Don't twist your panties. It was a joke. 700 00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,039 Fuck it. 701 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:45,832 [screams] 702 00:27:46,916 --> 00:27:47,876 -Oh, shit! 703 00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:50,253 Bernie: Oh, goddamn it! 704 00:27:50,295 --> 00:27:52,047 The fuck is wrong with you? 705 00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:54,466 -Relax, Dad. We're just roughhousing. 706 00:27:54,507 --> 00:27:56,551 You know, giving each other the business. 707 00:27:56,593 --> 00:27:58,386 -You know what, Blaire? Fuck you! 708 00:27:58,428 --> 00:27:59,929 You know, you're not allowed back home. 709 00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:01,056 You're disinvited. 710 00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:03,892 You're a psycho, just like your mother. 711 00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,727 Goddamn it! 712 00:28:05,769 --> 00:28:07,896 -Hey. Bernie, wait! 713 00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:09,606 [door slams shut] 714 00:28:13,485 --> 00:28:17,238 -Matty, which order would you fuck the women from Friends? 715 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,282 [students chattering] 716 00:28:19,324 --> 00:28:21,743 [???] 717 00:28:21,785 --> 00:28:24,287 [indistinct conversations] 718 00:28:24,996 --> 00:28:26,748 Hey, everybody. Jeremy's outside. 719 00:28:26,790 --> 00:28:28,249 You gotta come see what he's gonna do. 720 00:28:28,291 --> 00:28:29,793 -Who? -Jeremy. 721 00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:31,836 You know that really bad kid who goes here? 722 00:28:31,878 --> 00:28:35,256 The one who was really into Sublime even before 1992? 723 00:28:35,298 --> 00:28:36,591 -Okay? 724 00:28:36,633 --> 00:28:38,176 -Jeremy's gonna do a jump on his BMX. 725 00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:40,470 He's jumping over three cars. Three cars? 726 00:28:40,512 --> 00:28:41,638 Yeah, three cars. 727 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,348 Everybody, come watch Jeremy. 728 00:28:44,474 --> 00:28:46,810 [indistinct overlapping chatter] 729 00:28:46,851 --> 00:28:49,396 [???] 730 00:28:51,731 --> 00:28:53,608 There he is. There's Jeremy. 731 00:28:53,650 --> 00:28:54,984 [???] 732 00:28:59,197 --> 00:29:01,324 I can't believe that kid we go to school with 733 00:29:01,366 --> 00:29:03,159 is attempting this awesome jump. 734 00:29:03,201 --> 00:29:04,661 Let's all chant his name. 735 00:29:04,703 --> 00:29:05,870 Jeremy! 736 00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:08,373 all [chanting]: Jeremy! Jeremy! 737 00:29:08,415 --> 00:29:11,876 Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! 738 00:29:11,918 --> 00:29:13,712 [suspenseful music playing] 739 00:29:19,342 --> 00:29:20,885 [all gasp] 740 00:29:23,430 --> 00:29:24,723 [groans] 741 00:29:24,764 --> 00:29:26,683 [all cheering] 742 00:29:30,854 --> 00:29:31,813 [groaning] 743 00:29:31,855 --> 00:29:33,690 -I've known Jeremy for years. 744 00:29:33,732 --> 00:29:35,316 We're really close. -I've known him longer. 745 00:29:35,358 --> 00:29:36,568 He's my best friend. 746 00:29:36,609 --> 00:29:38,319 -I've been dating Jeremy since the sixth grade. 747 00:29:38,361 --> 00:29:41,489 -Jeremy's wealthy parents are taking us to Europe this summer. 748 00:29:41,531 --> 00:29:44,576 -Jeremy blew me at a sleepover and told me not to tell anyone. 749 00:29:48,038 --> 00:29:49,247 -Well, hey there, everybody. 750 00:29:49,289 --> 00:29:50,582 I was just in the bathroom 751 00:29:50,623 --> 00:29:52,709 relieving myself of the day's waste. 752 00:29:52,751 --> 00:29:54,419 Kind of a rough one, as you can see. 753 00:29:54,461 --> 00:29:55,712 What's going on out here? 754 00:29:55,754 --> 00:29:56,755 -Oh, hey, John. 755 00:29:56,796 --> 00:29:58,506 Jeremy, that kid we go to school with 756 00:29:58,548 --> 00:29:59,924 made a badass jump, 757 00:29:59,966 --> 00:30:01,051 and now everyone's saying 758 00:30:01,092 --> 00:30:02,427 they did anal with him and stuff. 759 00:30:02,469 --> 00:30:03,845 -Now, that is crazy, 760 00:30:03,887 --> 00:30:05,555 'cause I saw Jeremy this morning, 761 00:30:05,597 --> 00:30:08,099 and he gave me this letter in case he died. 762 00:30:10,977 --> 00:30:12,687 [clears throat] 763 00:30:12,729 --> 00:30:15,065 "To whom it may concern, 764 00:30:15,106 --> 00:30:18,610 I called the phone sex line 1-900-HOT-BUTT." 765 00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:21,029 -[gasps] -"I can't live with the shame, 766 00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:25,241 so I wanted to perform one last awesome act, 767 00:30:25,283 --> 00:30:27,243 then disappear into hiding. 768 00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:30,288 Sincerely, Jeremy Schwarzfinger." 769 00:30:31,998 --> 00:30:34,209 Seems I owe you boys an apology. 770 00:30:34,250 --> 00:30:36,044 -Yeah, you were a real fuckin' dick. 771 00:30:36,086 --> 00:30:39,005 And you got totally proved wrong in front of the whole school. 772 00:30:39,923 --> 00:30:42,300 -I will find you, Jeremy. 773 00:30:43,176 --> 00:30:45,303 If it takes me the rest of my days, 774 00:30:45,345 --> 00:30:46,680 I will find you... 775 00:30:47,764 --> 00:30:48,932 and I will kill you. 776 00:30:53,269 --> 00:30:55,772 -Well, Teddy, looks like we did it. 777 00:30:56,648 --> 00:30:57,899 student: Let's go. 778 00:30:57,941 --> 00:30:59,484 [students chattering] 779 00:30:59,526 --> 00:31:01,611 [???] 780 00:31:03,613 --> 00:31:06,574 -Do you understand why your mother and your sister 781 00:31:06,616 --> 00:31:07,992 feel this way, though? 782 00:31:08,034 --> 00:31:10,078 guest [on TV]: Yes, I do. They worry about me. 783 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:11,788 But it's time that I-- I mature... 784 00:31:11,830 --> 00:31:12,747 -Hey. guest: ... and I have to learn 785 00:31:12,789 --> 00:31:13,873 from my experiences. 786 00:31:13,915 --> 00:31:15,125 -Hey. Sally Jessy Raphael: Okay. 787 00:31:15,166 --> 00:31:17,085 -Beer? -Sure. 788 00:31:17,127 --> 00:31:18,586 [indistinct chatter on TV] 789 00:31:18,628 --> 00:31:19,754 Sally: You said, uh-- 790 00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:21,089 Do you have respect for yourself? 791 00:31:21,131 --> 00:31:22,465 guest: Yes, I do. 792 00:31:22,507 --> 00:31:23,675 Sally: If you dress like that, you don't. 793 00:31:23,717 --> 00:31:25,343 Because I have... -[TV audience cheering] 794 00:31:25,385 --> 00:31:26,678 Right? 795 00:31:27,220 --> 00:31:29,347 I have two daughters, 22 and 30... 796 00:31:29,389 --> 00:31:32,142 -Still can't stop thinking about the look on my brother's face 797 00:31:32,183 --> 00:31:33,852 when you threw that casserole at him. 798 00:31:33,893 --> 00:31:35,437 [laughs] 799 00:31:35,478 --> 00:31:36,438 Pretty fuckin' good. 800 00:31:36,479 --> 00:31:37,814 [audience applauding on TV] 801 00:31:37,856 --> 00:31:39,524 I was gonna give him the business, 802 00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:41,651 but you beat me to it. 803 00:31:42,736 --> 00:31:44,863 -Yeah. -Bennetts, right? 804 00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:47,991 We-- We fuckin' love messing with each other, right? 805 00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:49,951 -We sure do. 806 00:31:49,993 --> 00:31:51,619 Sally: You're also going to meet a mother 807 00:31:51,661 --> 00:31:54,456 who says her daughter dresses and acts like such a tramp... 808 00:31:54,497 --> 00:31:56,875 -Hey, Matty? -Yeah. 809 00:31:58,335 --> 00:31:59,753 -I'm glad I'm here. 810 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,381 [indistinct chatter on TV] 811 00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:07,510 -Hey, did you hear about this kid, Jeremy? 812 00:32:07,552 --> 00:32:10,555 [???] 813 00:32:11,222 --> 00:32:13,975 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 814 00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:18,355 ? Oh, you've got a headful ? ? Of someone dreadful ? 815 00:32:18,396 --> 00:32:22,984 ? And yet, alas ? ? That someone adores you ? 816 00:32:23,026 --> 00:32:26,821 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 817 00:32:26,863 --> 00:32:29,366 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 818 00:32:29,407 --> 00:32:32,077 ? I'm just a clown ? 819 00:32:32,869 --> 00:32:35,622 ? And I'll bring you down ? 820 00:32:36,373 --> 00:32:38,249 ? But you just don't care ? 821 00:32:38,291 --> 00:32:41,461 ? 'Cause your ? 822 00:32:42,545 --> 00:32:44,714 ? Best friend is me ? 823 00:32:44,756 --> 00:32:46,758 [???] 824 00:32:46,808 --> 00:32:51,358 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0